Kisame and Goldfish
by PACHIbamu
Summary: .One.Shot. Kisame encounters the horror of the fishy crackers. OH NOES!


Disclaimers and stuff : See my profile if you're that intent on suing me... --;;

o-o-o

It was a random day. One of those days where an ostrich can pop out of nowhere and start pecking you at the pace of a woodpecker on your head. Yep, one of those days...

Itachi and Kisame are seen walking along not so peacefully along a dirt road, glaring at random people that happened to stare. After sending 20 or so death glares each, they decided to go into an almost empty bar.

The bartender, who we will now name Stick because Lynx is unable to come up with a name at the moment, looked up at the sound of the rusty bells hung over the door. Since almost no one comes to the bar anyways, it was a miracle. His first customers in 12 days! Stick gasped inwardly.

The first thing that Itachi noted after walking into the bar was its filthiness. 'I doubt Stick ever cleaned this place.' were his first thoughts. He knew Stick's name from one glance and a sticker that said " Hello, welcome to my bar and I hope you like my bar. So, do you like it, huh? Isn't it pretty inside here? I have..." and there it trailed off until a large white rectangle that stopped it abruptly and in messy black writing was the word **STICK**.

_'Another useless idiot to be glared at...'_ Itachi sighed. He did just that.

Stick, miraculously immune to the death glare sent his way courtesy of Itachi, greeted the two.

" Hello, welcome to my bar and I hope you like my bar. So, do you like it, huh? Isn't it pretty inside here? I have..."

"That's on your name tag." Kisame (rather loudly) interrupted the rambling.

"...pencil shavings and stickers. What would you like?"

"...I don't want anything." Itachi stated.

Kisame's eyes landed on the stray fish tank by a random corner. The goldfish seemed surprisingly healthy. Apparently, Stick had a talent for taking care of any and all creatures that live in water.

_'Goldfish...'_ He thought.

"Goldfish." Kisame said, "If you don't have them, your body gets severed. If you don't sell them, your body gets mangled. If you do, I might, _just might_ leave you alone and let you be." His eyes turned shifty and he looked around for a few seconds before being serious again.

That got Stick's real attention, and he stared at Kisame. However, since Stick's short-term memory and attention span is rather poor, he returned to his oh-so-cheerful self again.

"Okay sir! I will see what I have!" He ran off to the back back back storages of his inn.

"...Are you sure he didn't just run off, Kisame?"

"Nah, he's too dense to try to absorb what I was saying, Itachi-kun."

"...!" Itachi's eye twitched.

"...What...?"

"...Never mind..."

Stick came back with a carton in his hand. "Here you are, great blue sir!" He saluted Kisame. As if his memory suddenly forced him to remember something, Stick ran out the door, but not knowing why nor how his legs can carry him so quickly away from his beloved bar (and goldfish).

"..." Said Itachi.

Humming a grave funeral march, Kisame opened the carton, ignoring the flashy design on the carton, written in golden yellow letters "GOLDFISH" and the picture of a cracker goldfish wearing sunglasses and smiling. Itachi didn't bother to point this out. Kisame would soon discover...

"Crackers!" Exclaimed Kisame in a most delightedly-murderous way. "Goldfish crackers... dementedly shaped goldfish crackers... cheese powdered dementedly shaped goldfish crackers..."

That would have gone on for a long time, Kisame thought of 5 new descriptive words per sentence. Unfortunately, Lynx is not bothering to type out due to the profanity of the rest of the descriptions.

"..." Agreed Itachi. "...You know, you did ask for goldfish..."

Kisame shrugged, and popped a 'cheese powdered dementedly shaped goldfish cracker' into his mouth. He chewed slowly and swallowed.

His eye twitched.

It twitched again.

And again.

And again.

Itachi suddenly remembered when Kisame once told him was allergic to cheese that was one chemical away from plastic.

'Oh crap.'

Miraculously, Kisame didn't have his usual allergic reaction of hyperventilation followed by turning into a navy blue shade. Itachi refrained from gasping, because he was _the_ Uchiha Itachi, and he simply did _not_ gasp under any circumstances. Ever.

Itachi then noticed the carton shaking as the rest of the goldfish crackers floated out of the carton.

"Which one of you cloakies ate Number 546!" Demanded a random goldfish cracker.

"...He did." Itachi said, pointing at Kisame with a perfectly manicured thumb. He so did _not_ want to be blamed, because getting cheese powder on his Akatsuki cloak was just _uncool_. Or he could have acted Shark, using the maximize-your-mouth-size no jutsu (which he personally developed to eat several buckets of ice cream at a time and getting major brain freezes) and eating the little fiends right out of the air.

"264, should we?" Asked another random goldfish.

"Yes, 105, we should." Replied the first random goldfish cracker.

"Giant Goldfish no jutsu!" A collaborative voice was heard.

First thought of Kisame was, _'HOLY SHIT, GOLDFISH CAN USE JUTSU!'_ while the second was, _'WTF?'_

Itachi just looked at the swarm of goldfish, turned on his sharingan and let the rest happen. He might need that technique in the future.

As Itachi watched in boredom and Kisame watched in a stupefied manner, the swarm of goldfish seemed to get bigger. Goldfish clumped together to form larger ones. The cycle repeated until there were 4 gigantic goldfish (each the length of the Samehade) were hovering in front of Kisame and Itachi. Or trying to. The goldfish were more bobbing instead of hovering.

Many voices of random goldfish was heard, such as "get your ass off of my face, 1753!' and " 875, HEEEEELP! I CAN'T BREEEEEEEEEEATHE!"

If they could, Itachi and Kisame would have been sweat dropping right at that moment, but since Itachi was _the_ Uchiha Itachi and Kisame was... blue...

"Mom, why is the one that ate Mr. 546 blue?"

"You're just colour blind, and so am I," replied a nearby goldfish.

"Hush dear, I told you not to talk about other... people like that."

"Maybe he suffocated and came back to life!" Exclaimed another random goldfish.

"Or is he secretly a smurf in disguise?"

"That makes sense..."

The chitchat between the goldfish continued until a shrill voice piped up.

"Shut up, all of you!"

"Yes, Number 1." Came a reply in unison.

"Now, we attack." Continued the shrill voice. "The blue one, remember!"

Sighs of relief was heard as most of the goldfish cracker community as they realized they weren't colour blind.

The giant goldfish opened their mouths to reveal perfectly chiselled teeth. Kisame stared hard, admiring them.

His eye twitched.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The goldfish became chomping machines as they bobbed up and down chasing Kisame.

It was then Itachi decided to leave, as the air started to fill with powdered cheese. Alas, it was too late...

"MY BADASS CLOAK!"

"MY ALLERGY!"

o-o-o

eheheh... My friend drew pics of Kisame, Itachi and Goldfish crackers... I felt inspired to write something dedicated to it... Thanks, Skele!

complain as much as you want in your reviews... my writing skills are rather poor...


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